Jokes - a page on Jokes and Riddles, Humor and Wisdom by Kuder.

A  large collection of clean jokes and humor by Kuder   Return to Kuder's Home Page        Website Index (site index)

Easy to view list- just scroll down.  See index of jokes @ bottom of this page.

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One Liners
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• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

• A mouse is an elephant built by the government .

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

• Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

• Anything free is worth what you pay for it

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• Boycott SHAMpoo!!!  Demand REAL poo!

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• Clones are people two.

• COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Did you hear about the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam and How?

• Did you hear about the new Catholic soft drink? They call it a Pope sy Cola.

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself twice.

• Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.

• Don't take life too seriously. You're not getting out alive, anyway.

• Dyslexics have more fnu.

• Editing is a re-wording activity.

• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.

• Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

• Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s the ruler.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

• Ground Beef: A Cow with No Legs!

• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

• Help wanted: telepathy. You know where to apply.

• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

• I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

• I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048 meter pole.

• I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

• I’m a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore, I’m perfect.

• If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

• If something goes without saying, LET IT!

• I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

• Keep honking. I'm reloading.

• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• Mate 100 pigs with 100 deer's and get 100 sows and bucks

• My reality check just bounced.

• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

• Redundancy: A politician with an airbag in his car.

• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• Time’s fun when you’re having flies --submitted by Kermit the Frog.

• Two heads are more numerous than one.

• Two wrongs don’t make a right, but  three lefts do.

• Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!

• Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

• Where there's a Will, I want to be in it!

• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• Let’s make like a Tom and Cruise.

• Let’s make like a baby and head out.

• Let’s make like a banana and split.

• Let’s make like a drum and beat it.

• Let’s make like a tree and leave.

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Fat Jokes. So fat she. . .
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             Eats wheat thicks.  
 Went to the movies and sat next to everyone.  
Had to go to Sea World to get baptized.  
Puts on her lipstick with a paint roller.  
When she sits around the house, she sits around the house.  
Pictures of her have to be taken from an airplane.  
Fell down and formed the Grand Canyon.  
Sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her back in.

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Ugly Jokes. So Ugly. . .

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·          They didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for the bar scene in Star Wars.

·          When she went to the beauty parlor, it took 12 hours, just for a quote.

·          People go as her for Halloween.

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So poor, she ate cereal with a fork to save the milk.

So dumb, she thought the International Dateline was a 900 number for getting dates.

So skinny, she hula hoops with a Cheerio.

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Short Jokes
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Did you hear the story about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.

Did you hear the one about the 3 piles of horse food?

Hey, hey, hay.

Did you hear the one about the ceiling?

It’s over your head.

The one about the Rope?

Skip it.

The one about the bed?

I haven't made it up yet.

It’s a good thing someone invented Venetian blinds, otherwise, it would be “curtains” for everyone.

College boy’s letter to dad: “No mun, no fun, your son.”

Dad’s reply: “Too bad, so sad, your Dad.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina:  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West. He goes up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book, the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers

digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Fortunately, no pun in ten did.

An ugly woman walks into a bar holding a duck under her arm. The bartender says, “What’s with the pig?”  The woman says it’s not a pig it’s a duck. The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Historians have recently discovered that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

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Modern revisions to Nursery Rimes
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This Little Piggy

This little piggy went to the market.

This little piggy stayed home.

This little piggy had roast beef.

This little piggy had none.

This little piggy went wee, wee, wee.

(Then bought some Depends disposable undergarments to solve that problem).

Mary

Mary had a little lamb.

(So now she is suing the sperm bank she went to).

Mary had a little sheep

And with the sheep did Mary sleep.

The sheep turned out to be a ram,

and Mary had a little lamb.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

(And his winter wasn't bad either).

Fuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bare,

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,

(Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure and is now serving time in the state pen).

Jack

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack jumped over the candlestick,

(Resulting in severe burns to his male organ).

Garden

Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?

(By spraying prolific amounts of pesticides and herbicides).

 Bridge

 London Bridge is falling down, falling down, my fair lady.

(Correction- it didn't fall down.  It was disassembled and moved to Arizona where it now stands as a tourist trap).

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Einstein
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory, black holes, quantum physics and the cosmology of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "114."   "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

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Work Vs Prison - - Some Frightening Observations…
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In prison you spend a majority of your time in a 8 x 10 foot cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 foot cubicle.

In prison you get three free meals a day. At work you get a break for one meal and have to pay for it yourself.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison they lock all the doors for you. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV or playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share a toilet.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to the bars.

In prison the warden tells you what you can or can’t do. At work your boss tells you what you can or can’t do.

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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
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Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Don't pick it up or shake it.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? - Some Opinions…
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Albert Einstein: “Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.”

Bill Clinton:  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define "chicken" please?

Bill Gates:  I have just released eChicken98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken98.

Bob Dylan: “How many roads must one chicken cross?”

Captain James T. Kirk:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Darth Vader: “Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.”

Darwin: “It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.”

Einstein:  Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?  It's

all relative.

Epicurus: “For fun.”

Grandpa:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the

chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Martin Luther King: “It had a dream.” Also: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross

roads without having their motives called into question.

 Pat Buchanan: He crossed the road to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Saddam Hussein: It was an act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of

nerve gas on the chicken.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Sir Isaac Newton: “Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.”

Thomas de Torquemada: “Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.”

 Dr. Seuss:

 Did the chicken cross the road?

 Did he cross it with a toad?

 Yes! The chicken crossed the road

 But why it crossed, I've not been told.

 Colonel Sanders:  What, I missed one?

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Grandma Tells The Story Of Her Bumper Sticker
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This is the way she tells it:

The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. I stopped at the light of a busy intersection, and was lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I figured he must have been trying to tell me that he was one with Christ or was just pointing to the heavens. In any event, praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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ETHNIC JOKES (Don’t read them if you are offended by ethnic jokes)
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A guy walks into a bar and yells, "Want to hear a Polish joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think you should know something. Our bartender is Polish; the bouncer is Polish. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt from Poland. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a Polish rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a Polish wrestler. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Dictionary For Po Folks, Southerners And Rednecks
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CAUTION: No 4-letter words.

But skip this if you find sexual or ethnic humor offensive.

Most people will find this hilarious!

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ABODE- Hand me ABODE to hit this mule.

ACOUSTIC - When I was little my uncle bought me ACOUSTIC and took me to da pool hall.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

ASTHMA- I couldn't find my crack, so I just ASTHMA bitch!

AXE - Da policeman wanted to AXE me some questions.

BARN- I was BARN in Georgia.

BEFORE - Two plus two BEFORE.

BEWARE - I asked de man at de unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I get a job?"

BRAID- what you eat when u'ins is out of bisquits.

CAD- I CAD my bride over the threshold.

CATACOMB -Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give that CATACOMB.

CHEER- Pull up a CHEER and sit down.

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, DATA boy.

DECIDE - My boy say he love his girl; but everybody no he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

DEFENSE - I saw dis dude running from the cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

DERANGE - is where da deer and de antelope play.

DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer told me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday. I got her a DOMINEERING.

FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no mo money FORECLOSE.

FORTIFY – What time is it? FORTIFY.

FUSSED- what comes before second.

HEAVEN- I'm HEAVEN some folks over for dinner.

HONOR - At my rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.

HONOR ROLL - We was flipin coins on da stoop the other day, man I was HONOR ROLL.

HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.

HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

INCOME - I just got in bed with da hoe and INCOME my wife.

IRAN- I beat a white boy in front of da' cops so IRAN away.

IRAQ - when we got to da pool hall, I told my uncle IRAQ, you break.

ISRAEL - Alonzo tried to sell me a Rolex. l said, man that looks fake. He said no that watch ISRAEL.

KENYA - I needed money fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

LETTER- My wife saw mi hoe and she wouldn't LETTER in da' house.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

LOT- Jeanie with the LOT brown hair.

MOBILE - I went to the sto to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

ODYSSEY - I told my brother, you ODYSSEY the tits on that hoe.

OMELET - I should punch you dead in the eye for what you just said but OMELET this one go dis time.

PENIS - I went to the doctor, he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

PLANET - I know this dude who got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

RAT CHEER- No, not over there. Lay it down RAT CHEER.

RECTUM - I had two Cadillac's but my ol' lady RECTUM.

SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, but I needs da money so I SELDOM.

STAIN - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on STAIN fo dinner.

STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It just make you STAIRWAY into space.

STOW- A place dat sells stuff.

SUMMER- I wuz at da' hoe house and I would say SUMMER good lookin, and summer bad.

THUD- This is only my THUD mint julep.

UNDERMINE - There is a fine looking hoe living in the apartment UNDERMINE.

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The Millionaire Show
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A man and his wife were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" on TV.

When the show was over, the husband started making advances on his wife.

"Not tonight, Dear," she told him.

Looking her straight in the eyes, he asked, "Is that your final answer?"

When she replied, "Yes." he said, "In that case, I would like to phone a friend."

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Things a woman wants In A Man, Original List  
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  Handsome

Charming

Financially Successful

A Caring Listener

Witty

In Good Shape

Dresses with Style

Appreciates the Finer Things

Full of Thoughtful Surprises

An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

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Things a woman wants In A Man, Revised List  
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Not too ugly

Doesn't belch or scratch in public

Works steady

Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting

Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes

Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

Shaves on weekends

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Talking To God
************************************

 A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.

 "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"

 God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

 The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

 God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

 The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

 God answered, "In a minute."

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Bill Gates favorite books in high school:
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A Tale of Two CDs.

Gates of Wrath

Gone with the Windows.

War and PC

Moby Disk.

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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:  
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His obnoxious brother..... Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt .............Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ...........Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia..... .......U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois......Chica Gogh

His magician uncle..............Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin.............Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco........Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ..............Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle..........Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst............E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin............Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.....Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh

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ETHNIC- Don’t read if you are offended by ethnic jokes.  
************************************  
 

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy says, "Well, yes I am, but, I think you must be very prejudiced against Polish people to ask. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??? Or if I wanted a taco would you ask if I was Mexican???"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm

Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

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Government Verbosity
***************************************

On being succinct and to the point.

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:

26,911 words.....

...and that says it all.

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The Doctor's Daiquiri
--------------------------------

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!  What the hell kind of daiquiri is it?" The bartender replied, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

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Tests Show Beer Contains Female Hormone
--------------------------------

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.

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70 Year Old George And God
--------------------------------

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically and you appear to be doing fine mentally and  emotionally as well. You must be at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God!" George replied, "Well God and I are pretty tight. We are so close that when I wake up in the middle of the night, I walk to the bathroom, and POOF the light goes on and when I finish and then POOF the light goes off.” “Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, “That's incredible!!” A little later Dr. Smith called George's wife. “Thelma,” he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night and goes to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on and then when he finishes, POOF the light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Oh no!  he's been peeing in the fridge again"

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LAPD, FBI, and the CIA
--------------------------------

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay!  Okay!  I'm a rabbit!  I'm a rabbit!"

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My Spilling Checker
--------------------------------

I have a spilling checker, it came with my PC. It plainly marks four my review mistakes I cannot sea:  I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please too no, Its letter perfect in every weigh, my checker tooled me sew.

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How to Write Good
--------------------------------        

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

    "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's repetitive and highly superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

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Building a Resume
--------------------------------

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them.  These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonuses.

THE NAME:  Use the name to your advantage.  Spice it up a little bit.  Steve Smith goes nowhere fast.  But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads.  Nicknames also help.  Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good.  Mark "Keg sucker" O'Malley is bad.

THE ADDRESS:  Forget your real address.  Make a statement instead!  Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails.  Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER:  Skip it.  What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1.  If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack.  My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT:  Forget the ambition statement.  You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment."  A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking.  "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient

Cobol code that crashes every other night.  Not slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."

EDUCATION:  Send in an application to MIT, then truthfully state:  "Current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Program, MIT."

EXPERIENCE:  Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.  But  don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system.... Everybody's done that stuff.  I'm talking about hands-on experience:  high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc.  So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.  Instead, simply try creative wording of the experience you do have.  For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Lion, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system."  Also, "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo."  But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE:  "References furnished upon request?"  What kind of power-close is that? Close with impact. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job.  And by the way, I know where you live."

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Amazing Anagrams

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An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

The following are exceptionally clever because the meaning is retained. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

1.       Dormitory                          Dirty Room

2.       Desperation                      A Rope Ends It

3.       The Morse Code               Here Come Dots

4.       Slot Machines                   Cash Lost in 'em

5.       Animosity                          Is No Amity

6.       Mother-in-law                    Woman Hitler  :)

7.       Snooze Alarms                 Alas! No More Z's

8.       Alec Guinness                  Genuine Class

9.       The Public Art Galleries   Large Picture Halls, I Bet

10.     A Decimal Point               I'm a Dot in Place

11.     The Earthquakes             That Queer Shake

12.     Eleven plus two               Twelve plus one

13.     Contradiction                   Accord not in it

14.    Astronomer                        Moon Starer

15.    Princess Diana                   End Is A Car Spin

16.    Presbyterian                       Best in prayer

17.    The eyes                           They see

18.    Election results                  Lies - let's recount

19. President Clinton of the USA.

"To copulate he finds interns."

20. "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag  on moon!  On to Mars!"

21. "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

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Proverb simplification exercise
--------------------------------        

Test your clear-writing skill. Each of the paragraphs below is a famous proverb that has been written with a high fog factor. It contains superfluous words and needs to be simplified with language that is clearer and more to the point. Answers appear immediately below.

1.       An ignoramus and his/her lucre are readily disjoined.

2.       In the absence of the feline race, certain small rodents will give themselves up to various pleasurable pastimes.

3.       Impetuous celebrity engenders purposeless spoilage.

4.       Illegal transgression has no remuneration for its perpetrators.

5.       Provide the privilege of affranchisement, or I will feel that life is not worth living.

6.       A condition characterized by tardiness is more desirable than one that is systematically marked by eternal absenteeism.

7.       A mineral matter of various composition when engaged in a periodical revolution exhibits no tendency to accumulate any of the cryptogamic plants of class Cusci.

8.       The pursuit and capture of winged air-breathing anthropoids is more easily effected when a sweet, as opposed to a sour, substance is for purposes of beguilement, made use of. For example; the viscid fluid derived from the saccharine section of a plant and produced by hymenopterous insects of the super family apoidea has proved more successful in the endeavor than has dilute and impure acetic acid.

9.       Seeking a suitable place for the purpose of courting a state of dormant quiescence during the first part of a crepuscular period and forsaking said suitable place during the first part of the matinal period results in myriad benefits to homo sapiens among which benefits may be noted a substantial increase in body soundness, monies and sagacity.

10.    The positive appeal of a visual object depends not so much upon the objective standards against which said object is measured, but upon the image recorded by the organ of vision of that individual who observes said object.

11.    From deliberative investigation it has come to our attention that the aviatorial member of the phylum chordata which is anticipatory will invariably apprehend the member of slender soft-bodied bilateral invertebrates.

12.    Experience has demonstrated that the total aggregate or corporeal substances that may emanate transplendency, do not of necessity represent an embodiment of precious metallic element ochre.

13.    Meddlesome inquisitiveness on the part of that domesticated carnivorous member of the zoological family, feline, has brought about the unfortunate bereaving of its vilifying forces.

14.    A plenitude of gourmand satiating scullions tend to obviate, obstruct, undermine, decompose and otherwise boggle the mulligatawny.

15.    A warm-blooded vertebrate of the class avis grasped in the terminal prehensile portion of the upper limb of the human body is equal in value to one plus one of the aforementioned vertebrates in a scrub.

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Solutions:
--------------------------------

1.       A fool and his money are soon parted.

2.       When the Cat’s away the mice will play.

3.       Haste makes waste.

4.       Crime doesn’t pay.

5.       Give me liberty or give me death.

6.       Better late than never.

7.       A rolling stone gathers no moss.

8.       You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

9.       Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

10.    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

11.    The early bird gets the worm.

12.    All that glitters is not gold.

13.    Curiosity killed the cat.

14.    Too many cooks spoil the soup.

15.    A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

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Welcome To the Psychiatric Hotline....
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·          If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

·          If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

·          If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

·          If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

·          If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...No one will answer.

·          If you have a self-esteem problem, please press zero NOW; if you think you can.

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The Stock Market Report Today:
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·          Roofs, the sky and helium were up.

·          Basements and feathers were down.

·          Paper was stationary.

·          Lead weights were up in heavy trading.

·          Light switches were off.

·          Knives were up sharply.

·          Cows were steered into a bull market.

·          Pencils were down a few points.

·          Hiking equipment was trailing.

·          Elevators were up.

·          Escalators experienced a slight decline.

·          Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

·          Diapers were unchanged.

·          The major shipping lines stayed on an even keel.

·          Prunes plum-meted.

·          Coca-Cola was Pop-ular among traders.

·          Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

·          The sun peaked at mid-day.

·          Balloon prices were inflated.

·          There was heavy trading in metals.

·          The bottom fell out of disposable diapers.

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News Releases:
--------------------------------

1. NASA is going to send some cows aloft on the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk production. Public reaction:

A: It will be the herd shot round the world.

B: I think it is udderly ridiculous.

C: A shuttle ride will sure hustle their dairy aires.

D: I think we have milked this pun for all its worth.

2. A local fertilizer company has just established a credit card.

Public reaction:

A: Don't heave loam without it!

B: I think this is mulch ado about nothing!

C: I think it's a bunch of crap!

D: For peat's sake, enough is enough!

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Doctor, Doctor
************************************

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon.

Sit still and don't stir.

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

What? Did you say something?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bell.

Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

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Signs That You're Over The Hill
************************************

* You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

* Someone compliments you on your layered look...

 ...and you're wearing a bikini.

* You start video taping daytime game shows.

* You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

* Your insurance company has started sending you their

 free calendar...a month at a time.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

* Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

* Conversations with people your own age often turn into

 "dueling ailments."

* It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all

 and go for the rocker.

* You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

* You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

* You look both ways before crossing a room.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

* You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

* You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

* Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

* Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

* The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... ...come back in style.

* All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

* The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

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Corporate Mergers
************************************

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace. Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

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BEFORE COMPUTERS...
************************************

An application was for employment,

A program was a TV show,

A cursor used profanity,

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,

A CD was a bank account,

And a floppy disk was something

Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage,

Not something you did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public,

You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife,

Paste you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home,

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,

And the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,

But when it happens, they wish they were dead!

**** **** **** *** ***** **** **** **** ****  
Interesting Statistic
**** **** **** *** ***** **** **** **** ****

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.

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25 Worst Pickup Lines
**** **** **** *** ***** **** **** **** ****

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb-diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

 Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

 Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

************************************  
Signs Of The Times
************************************

Sign in a Laundromat

Automatic washing machines:

Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:

Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday

Please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot

And stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a secondhand shop:

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.

Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in health food shop window:

Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:

Elephants- please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,

There is a day care center on the first floor.

Notice in a field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,

But the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet:

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door:

We can repair anything.

(please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work).

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

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Communications in court
********************

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Actual Headlines, collected by journalists:
************************

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says.

2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case.

5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House.

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?.

9. Stud Tires Out.

10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope.

11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over.

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again.

13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands.

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms.

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf.

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead.

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicolas to 66.

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told.

22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death.

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree.

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter.

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years.

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One.

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84.

30. War Dims Hope For Peace.

31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While.

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures.

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.

35. Deer Kill 17,000.

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group.

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft.

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy.

42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire.

43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply.

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half.

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing.

50. Air Head Fired.

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time.

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni.

54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board.

55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors.

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction.

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

59. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis.

60. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar.

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The Bell Ringer
--------------------------------

A church needed to hire a bell ringer. The first applicant showed up and had no arms. He said he could ring the bell with his head. The church hired him. The first day on the job the bell swung back hit him in the head and knocked him cold dead. One of the church elders later said to another: “Did you know that man?”  “Well, his face rings a bell” was the answer. The next day the church hired his brother, who also had no arms. The same thing happened to him, bell knocked him cold dead. One of the church elders later said to the other, “Did you know that man?” The other elder answered:, “He is a dead ringer for his brother.“

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Lawyer’s Dictionary:
--------------------------------

Appeal                   What you have left over after you eat a banana.

Appellate                 Hamster food.

Arraign                   Stormy weather.

Criminal lawyer Redundant.

Debtor                    Less alive.

Defense                 What keeps de dog in.

Extradition                 More math homework.

Lawyer                   Someone who prepares a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.

Writ                         Past tense of write.

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An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

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Tombstones
--------------------------------

Justin Tyme

Yetta Nother

Barry A. Live

Dawn Under

Ted  N. Buried

Yul  B. Next

Kerry  M. Off

Fester  N. Rott

Reid  N. Weep

Sue  D. Bum

Barry  M. Deep

U. R. Gone

Otta B. Alive

Mummy B. Ware

Berry D. Hatchet

Will B. Back

R. U. Next

Dr. Izzy Gone

Ima Ghost

M. T. Tomb

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Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion Tombstones
--------------------------------

Here lies good friend Gordon.

Now you've crossed the river Jordan.

In memorial- uncle Myall.

Here you'll rest for quite a while.

Rest in peace cousin Huet,

We all know you didn't do it.

Here rests Wathel R. Bender,

He rode to glory on a fender.

Here lies good old Fred,

A great big rock fell on his head.

At peaceful rest lies brother Claude,

Planted here beneath this sod.

Here lies Mr. Sewell,

The victim of a dirty duel.

In memory of our patriarch

Dear departed Grandpa Marc.

Here lies Francis Xavier

No time off for good behavior.

Dear departed brother Dave.

He chased a bear into a cave.

Master Gracie laid to rest,

No mourning please at his request.

Here lies a man named Martin,

The lights went out on this old spartan.

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Christmas Jokes
--------------------------------

A tour guide named Rudolph was giving a lady a tour of Moscow, when the weather turned foul. “Is this rain or sleet?,” the lady asked. “Definitely rain.” said the tour guide. “How do you know?” asked the lady. “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the front desk manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast  while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict.."

His order comes a while later, and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.

He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" 

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

The Angel on Your Christmas Tree

One year Santa was running late in getting his toys ready for Christmas Eve.  To make things worse, he hadn’t yet gotten a Christmas tree for his workshop.  So he asked a little angel to please go out into the forest and get a Christmas tree and hurry back, so she could help Santa get the toys ready for Christmas Eve.  The little angel went out into the forest looking for a tree.  The first tree she found was too small, the next too large, the next bent and so on.  She wanted to find the perfect tree for Santa.  It took her a long time, but at last she found the perfect tree and started dragging it back to Santa’s workshop.  She didn’t know it, but by the time she got back Santa was furious, because she was so late in getting back.  She came in with the tree and asked Santa, “Look at this beautiful Christmas tree, where would you like for me to stick it?”  Santa told her where to stick it, and that’s the story of why little angels always “sit” on the top of a Christmas tree.

************************************  
Quiz: Christmas Carols Re-Worded
************************************

For example: "We three kings of orient are."

Could be worded:

"A triad of reigning monarchs exist in the Far East."

We'll provide the lesser-known version.

You provide the well-known version.

Some titles may be repeated

Answers at the end :-)

1. Nearly colorless Yuletide.

2. Castanea seed vesicated in a conflagration.

3. My singular yearning is for twin anterior incisors.

4. Righteous darkness.

5. Arrival time: 24:00 hours, weather conditions: cloudless.

6. Loyal followers advance.

7. Far off in a stable.

8. Array the corridors.

9. Lilliputian male percussionist.

10. Our monarchical triad.

11. Nocturnal noiselessness.

12. Jehovah deactivate jovial Chevaliers.

13. A red man is en route to the city.

14. Allow frozen precipitation to commence.

15. Proceed and verbalize on the tall hill.

16. Antlered quadruped valentino namesake with the vermilion proboscis.

17. Query, regarding the identity of that juvenile.

18. Delight for this planet.

19. Give attention to the melodious celestial beings.

20. A Yuletide extending for a dozen 24 hour intervals.

21. Jocund elderly canonized individual lacking five cent pieces.

22. Expect my arrival at my domicile for Yuletide.

23. Vibrate those cup-shaped metal instruments.

24. Perambulating in a terrain of stupefaction from 12/21 to 3/19.

25. Oh diminutive hamlet of Israel south of Jerusalem.

26. Hallucinating about an ivory Yuletide in the first person narrative.

27. Metallic element AG cup-shaped musical instruments.

28. Oh Yuletide tall woody plant.

29. I witnessed a maternal parent osculating a bewhiskered male in a red ensemble.

30. Female ancestor experienced collision with rangifer tarandus.

31. Boreal ice crystal homo sapien.

32. To this place advances the personification of the spirit of Christmas.

33. The primary Yuletide.

34. Who ís the mystery kid?

35. The event occurred at one minute after 11:59 p.m. with visibility unlimited.

36. Ornament the enclosure with large sprigs of berry-bearing evergreen.

37. The diminutive male of less than adult age who plays a percussion instrument.

38. My anticipation of mementos this noelís: nil.

39. I viewed my maternal parent's affection for Kris Kringle.

40. Listen, heavenly cherubs are announcing in song.

41. Are you detecting the same aural sensations as I am?

42. Universal elation.

43. O miniature Nazarene village.

44. The approach of the holiday commemorating the birth of Christ is becoming evident.

45. May Jehovah grant unto you hilarious males retirement.

46. Those of you who are true, come here.

Answers below, but don't cheat!

Answers:

1. White Christmas.

2. Chestnuts roasting of an open fire.

3. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

4. Holy night.

5. It came upon a midnight clear.

6. Oh come all ye faithful.

7. Away in a manger.

8. Deck the halls.

9. Little drummer boy.

10. We three kings.

11. Silent night.

12. God rest ye merry gentleman.

13. Santa Claus is coming to town.

14. Let it snow.

15. Go tell it on the mountain.

16. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

17. What child is this?

18. Joy to the world.

19. Hark the herald angels sing.

20. 12 days of Christmas.

21. Jolly old Saint Nicholas.

22. I'll be home for Christmas.

23. Jingle bells.

24. Walking in a winter wonderland.

25. Oh little town of Bethlehem.

26. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

27. Silver bells.

28. Oh Christmas tree.

29. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

30. Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

31. Frosty the snowman.

32. Here comes Santa Claus.

33. The first noel.

34. What child is this?

35. It came upon the midnight clear.

36. Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

37. Little drummer boy.

38. I'm getting nothin' for Christmas.

39. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

40. Hark the herald angels sing.

41. Do you hear what I hear?

42. Joy to the world.

43. O little town of Bethlehem.

44. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

45. God rest ye merry gentlemen.

46. O come all ye faithful.

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Bill Clinton’s Medical Dictionary
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Blonde jokes:  Caution: If You Are Offended By Blonde Jokes, Don’t Read These.
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don’t know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

  A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in an envelope and have your kid deliver it to me at the school playground. Signed, A Blonde". The Blonde then sent the kid home to show the note to his parents.

The next morning the kid showed up with the $10,000 in the envelope!

There was a note attached that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde.

A blonde went to her mailbox several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"  

The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The  nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the  house!!"

One day, a blonde maid was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

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The Genie
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three.  You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible.  Think of the logistics of that!  It would have to be over a thousand miles long, with tens of thousands of supports, each over a mile long.  Think of just how much concrete and steel that would require!!  No, I can't do it, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said,  " I've never been able to please a woman—no matter how much I do for them, it's never enough.  I wish that I could truly understand women... know what they really want... and know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie's reply: "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

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The 15 Top Selling Shortest Books
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15. Encyclopedia of Polish War hero's.

14. The Who's Who of Brilliant Blondes.

13. Virgins I have known,  Hugh Hefner.

12. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers"    O. J. Simpson.

11. "To All The Men I've Loved Before"    Ellen DeGeneres.

10. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert.

9. Human Rights Advances in China.

8. Al Gore: The Wild Years.

7. America's Most Popular Lawyers.

6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.

5. Everything Men Know About Women.

4. Everything Women Know About Men.

3. French Hospitality.

2. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette.

1. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes, by the EPA.

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Final Exam in Metaphysics
--------------------------------

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How was the order of the alphabet determined?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If it's a penny for your thoughts, why does everyone put their two cents in?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If swimming helps you reduce weight, then why are whales so big?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you call up a bike company to ask if their business goes in cycles, do they refer you to a spokesman?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why are boxing rings square?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do we play at a recital and recite at a play?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do women wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is an orange an orange but an apple is not a red?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is it that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

--------------------------------  
Knock, Knock Jokes
--------------------------------

--------------------------------  
Clarification of Corporate Lingo
Here's what Human Resources really means:  
--------------------------------

 "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our  competitors.

 "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you.

 "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll  dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on  your first day.

 "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each  weekend.

 "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

 "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain  that way).

 "APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the  position has been filled.

 "NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes  is just a legal formality.

 "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it  to replace three people who just left.

 "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in  perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities  of a manager, without the pay or respect.

 "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,  figure out what they want, and do it.

-----------------------------  
World Leaders
----------------------------

It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

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Hi, My Name Is:  
--------------------------------

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The Top 51 Oxymorons:
--------------------------------

51. Jumbo shrimp.

 50. Act naturally.

 49. Found missing.

 48. Resident alien.

 47. Advanced BASIC.

 46. Genuine imitation.

 45. Airline Food.

 44. Good grief.

 43. Same difference.

 42. Almost exactly.

 41. Government organization..

 40. Sanitary landfill.

 39. Alone together.

 38. Legally drunk.

 37. Silent scream.

 36. British fashion.

 35. Living dead.

 34. Small crowd.

 33. Business ethics.

 32. Soft rock.

 31. Butt Head.

 30. Military Intelligence.

 29. Software documentation.

 28. New York culture.

 27. New classic.

 26. Sweet sorrow.

 25. Childproof.

 24. "Now, then ..."

 23. Synthetic natural gas.

 22. Christian Scientists.

 21. Passive aggression.

 20. Taped live.

 19. Clearly misunderstood.

 18. Peace force.

 17. Extinct Life.

 16. Temporary tax increase.

 15. Computer jock.

 14. Plastic glasses.

 13. Terribly pleased.

 12. Computer security.

 11. Political science.

 10. Tight slacks.

 9. Definite maybe.

 8. Pretty ugly.

 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake.

 6. Diet ice cream.

 5. Rap music.

 4. Working vacation.

 3. Exact estimate.

 2. Religious tolerance.

 And the Number one top Oxymoron:

 1. Microsoft Works.

***************************************  
The Blind Man
***************************************  

An attractive nun, who often had handicapped visitors to her home, had just moved into a new home. Just as she stepped out of the shower, she heard the doorbell ring. So, she called out, "Who is it?"

The man at the door replied, "It’s the blind man."

The nun thought to herself, well, if he is blind, he won't be able to see me this way, so she called back, "Okay, come on in."

In walked a repairman who, much aghast, said, "Gosh, lady, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

*************************  
Luck Of The Irish
*************************

  Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and begora it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

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Senior Citizens Are The Nations Leading Carriers Of Aids!
*************************

Hearing aids

Band-aids

Rol aids

Walking aids

Medical aids

Government aids

Most of all, monetary aid to their kids!

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The Frog Loan
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, $360,000." She asks his name and the frog says that his name

is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $360,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything

he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this, ..."

and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager & disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $360,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says, "I mean what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

 " .....It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.

 His old man's a Rolling Stone..."

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BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS BIT OF MEXICAN HISTORY
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 There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912

 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

 The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning, which they still, observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo.

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Haunted House
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A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... ...BUMP... ...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...

the coffin stops.

************************* 

REASONS WHY I HAVE QUIT VARIOUS JOBS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it; mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

For a while I was a spokesman for a bicycle company, but I quit because the business kept going around in cycles.

I tried being a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I also attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I worked for a while in a donut shop. I enjoyed making the dough, but I got tired of the hole business.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I worked for a while as an elevator operator, but there were too many ups and downs in the business.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job at a health spa, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  

************************* 

The Whiskey speech

************************* 

In 1952 Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr, was running for public office and was asked for his stand on the subject of whiskey.  The following is his reply:

My dear friends,

I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.

If  by whiskey, you mean the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pits of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey, you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if by whiskey you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. That, fellow citizens, is my position on whiskey, and as always, I refuse to be compromised on matters of principle. 

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