A large collection of the best clean riddles and humor by Kuder
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Q: What did the grape do when
it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine.
Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross
the road?
A: Because he was chicken.
Q: What did Snow White say when
her pictures didn’t come back from the photo lab?
A: Some day my “prints” will
come.
Q: What city in California is
missing?
A: Lost Angeles.
Q: What happens when the fog
lifts in Southern California?
A: UCLA.
Q: Where do epileptics go in
Las Vegas?
A: Seizures Palace.
Q: What do you get when you
cross a humming bird with a doorbell?
A: A humdinger.
Q: What do you get when you
cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Half way there.
Q: What do you get when you
cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
A: Someone who sits up all
night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: Why does a pilgrim’s pants
always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt
buckle on their hat.
Q: What’s the difference
between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A: One is an over inflated Nazi
gas bag and the other is a dirigible.
Q: Where does a one-armed man
shop?
A: At a second hand store.
Q: What did the bald man say
when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: Thanks, I’ll never part with
this.
Q: How many psychiatrists does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb
has to WANT to change.
Q: If you are an American when
you go into the bathroom and you are an American when you come out of the
bathroom… What are you while you are in the bathroom?
A: European.
Q: How many seconds are there
in a year?
A: Twelve. Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd,
Mar 2nd . . .
Q: Why do they have no phones
in Japan?
A: They have so many Wings and
Wongs, they are afraid they might wing the wong number.
Q: What’s the difference
between a pipe and a foolish Dutch man?
A: Ones a hollow cylinder the
other a silly Hollander.
Q: What do you call a person
who crosses the ocean twice without washing himself?
A: A dirty double crosser.
Q: What do you call a midget
fortune-teller who escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
Q: How do you catch a unique
rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame
rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: What do you get when you
cross Lee Iacocca with Batman?
A: An autoexec.bat
Q: An Indian drank 12 gallons
of tea: How did he die?
A: He drowned in his tea pee.
Q: What do you get when you
cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino.
Q: Why do dragons sleep during
the day?
A: So they can fight knights.
Q: What do you call an aborted
child in Czechoslovakia?
A: A canceled Check.
Q: Three sailors fell
overboard, but only one got his hair wet. What happened?
A: The other two were bald.
Q: Sunday and Monday had a
fight. Sunday won. Why?
A: Because Monday is a weak
day.
Q: If you put six ducks in a
crate, what do you have?
A: A box of “quackers.”
Q: How can you change a fruit
into a vegetable?
A: Throw a pumpkin up in the
air and when it lands, it's squash.
Q: Who can marry a wife and still be single?
A. A minister
Q: Six children and two dogs were standing under an umbrella, but none of them
got wet. How come?
A. It wasn't raining
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinko.
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
A. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
Q: How can you make a seven even?
A. Take away the S.
Q: What word if pronounced right is wrong, but if pronounced wrong is right?
A: Wrong.
Q: Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A: A bald man
Q: How many beans can you put in an empty bag?
A: One.
After that the bag isn't empty.
Q: What is the relationship between a loaf of bread and a locomotive?
A: Mother. Bread is a necessity, a locomotive is and invention, and necessity
is the mother of invention.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A: A jeweler sells watches and a jailer watches cells.
Q: What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A: One knows the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Q: What's the difference between a thief and a church bell?
A: One steals from the people and the other peals from the steeple.
Q: Why were the Indians the first people in America?
A: They had reservations.
Q: How is it possible to make a million dollars in a day?
A: Work for the mint.
Q: Where in the World does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and left leg in a car
crash?
A: He's all right now.
Q: A policeman saw a truck driver going the wrong way down a one-way street, but
didn't give him a ticket. Why not?
A: The truck driver was walking.
Q: How is it possible to jump off a 50-foot ladder and not get hurt?
A: Jump off the bottom rung.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: How can you
tell when a woman has bad taste?
A: A cannibal
takes one bite of her and then orders a salad.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: "About 5 drinks."
Q. Did you hear
about the new Jewish game show?
A. The Price Is
Too Much.
Q: What do you
call 500 Indian women without any apples?
A: The
Indian-apple-less 500.
Q.
What's a practical nurse?
A. A
nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
Q: What do
politicians and diapers have in common?
A: They should
both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Q: Mahatma
Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
what?
A: A super
callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Q: What's the
difference between Elian and the LA Clippers?
A: Elian looks
like he's been coached.
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Cannibal Riddles
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Two cannibals are eating a
clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Q: When do cannibals leave the
table?
A: When everyone's eaten.
Q: What is a cannibal's
favorite type of TV show?
A: A celebrity roast.
Q: Where do cannibals shop for
fine furniture?
A: Eatin' Allen's.
Q: What do cannibals eat for
dessert?
A: Chocolate covered aunts.
Q: What do cannibals make out
of politicians?
A: Bologna sandwiches.
Q: What did the cannibal get
when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.
Q: What is a cannibal's
favorite game?
A: Swallow the leader.
Q: Have you heard about the
expensive cannibal restaurant?
A: Dinner costs an arm and a
leg.
Q: Did you hear about the
cannibal who loved fast food?
A: He ordered a pizza with
everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal
who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
Cannibal: One who loves his
fellow man with gravy.
Cannibal's recipe book: How to
Serve Your Fellow Man.
One cannibal to another: I
never et a man I didn't like.
Two cannibals were having
dinner. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The second replies, "So,
try the potatoes."
The first cannibal asked the
second cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The second cannibal replied, "I'm
on my last leg now."
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Attorney Riddles
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Q: What’s the difference
between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in
front of the dog.
Q: Why would you bury a lawyer
20 feet deep in the ground?
A: Because deep, deep down
lawyers are really okay.
Q: What do you have when a
lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What is the difference
between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire sucks blood only
at night.
Q: What do you call a busload
of attorneys going over a cliff?
A: A good start.
Q: How many lawyers does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: Hundreds. It takes at least
50 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What’s the difference
between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he is an
attorney.
Q: What’s the difference
between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom crawling scum
sucker and the other’s a fish
Q: What was the name for the
Japanese restaurant opened by an attorney?
B: So-Sue-me.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy, an honest lawyer, and a hobo are walking down the street together when
they all spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The hobo. The other 3 are
mythological characters.
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Halloween Jokes:
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Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch
watch.
Q: When is it bad luck to see a
black cat?
A: When you're a mouse.
Q: Why did the monster eat the
caboose?
A: The locomotive told him to "Choo,
choo."
Q: What's the best place for a
mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can
double your mummy.
Q: What do ghosts eat for
breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with
booberries and evaporated milk.
Q: What do ghosts eat for
lunch?
A: Halloweenies and
Frankenfurters.
Q: Why should you always invite
a ghost to a Halloween party?
A: they bring their own boos.
Q: Why shouldn’t you goose a
ghost at Halloween?
A: You might get sheet all over
you.
Q: Why don't Jehovah Witnesses
like Halloween?
A: They don't like all those
strangers coming up on the porch and ringing their doorbells.
Q: What should you say when you
meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo?, Sir. How
do you boo?"
Q: What's soft, moldy and
flies?
A: A spoiled bat.
Q: What did the policeman say
when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: "You're under a vest!"
Q: What happened to the monster
that took the five o'clock train home?
A: He had to give it back.
Q: Why did the monster salute
his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and
saw a kernel of corn.
Q: What would you call the
ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.
Q: What did Dracula say when he
saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.
Q: Which story do all little
witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three
Scares."
Q: Why don't witches like to
ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying
off the handle!
Q: What do skeletons say
before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetite!
Q: Where do baby ghosts go
during the day?
A: Day-scare centers.
Q: Who did Frankenstein take
to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What monster flies his kite
in a rainstorm?
A: Benjamin Frankenstein.
Q: What do ghosts serve for
dessert?
A: Ice Scream.
Q: What's a monster's favorite
play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.
Q: What do witches put on
their hair?
A: Scare spray.
Q: What do you get when you
cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: What's a haunted chicken?
A: A poultry-geist.
Q: Why did the monster eat a
light bulb?
A: Because he wanted a light
snack.
Q: Why are most monsters
covered in wrinkles?
A: Have you ever tried to iron
a monster?
Q: What kind of mistakes do
spooks make?
A: Boo boos.
Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife
get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
Q: Why do mummies make
excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping
things under wraps.
Q: What kind of monster is
safe to put in the washing machine?
A: A wash and wear wolf.
Q: What has webbed feet,
feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula.
Q: What do you call a person
who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: Why wasn't there any food
left after the monster party?
A: Because everyone was a
goblin!
Q: What do the birds sing on
Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet.
Q: What did the little ghost
have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones.
Q: Why should a skeleton drink
10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones.
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on
Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases.
Q: Why did the witches' team
lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.
Q: What was the witch’s
favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why did the mummy call the
doctor?
A: Because he was coffin.
Q: What does a vampire fear
most?
A: Tooth decay.
Q: Where did the vampire open
his savings account?
A: At a blood bank.
Q: Where do mummies go for a
swim?
A: To the Dead Sea.
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory.
Q: Where does Dracula water
ski?
A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What kind of boat pulls
Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you get when you
divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton
cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What did the Mommy ghost
say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your
spooken to.
Q: What kind of protozoa likes
Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!
Q: Why do ghouls and demons
hang out together?
A: Because demons are a
ghoul's best friend!
Q: What happened to the guy
who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
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Christmas Riddles:
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Q: Why did Santa want garden
tools for Christmas?
A: So he could hoe, hoe, hoe
all year long.
Q: What's a holiday for
toothpaste?
A: "Crest" mas!
Q: What language does Santa
speak?
A: North Polish!
Q:
What is the Christmas message
in these letters:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?
A: No “L.”
Q: How do you drive a blonde
crazy?
A: Put her in a round room and
tell her to stand in the corner.
Q: Why did the blonde put
lipstick on her forehead?
A: Trying to make up her mind.
Q: What do you call a blonde
with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How do you make a blonde's
eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her
ear.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on
their shoes?
A: To remind themselves that
toes go in first.
Q: How can you tell when a
blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: There are M&M shells all
over the floor.
Q: What job do they give
blondes at the M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired
from the M&M factory?
A: She messed up on the
proofreading and threw out all the W’s.
Q: What’s the difference
between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
Q: Why did the blonde move to
LA?
A: It was the only city she
knew how to spell.
Q: How do you make a blonde
laugh on Saturday night?
A: Tell her a joke on Thursday
night.
Q: Why did the blonde climb the
chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other
side.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes
sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What’s the first thing a
blonde does in the morning?
A: Goes home.
Q: Why do blondes wash their
hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you are
supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: What do blondes and beer
bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the
neck up.
Q: Why do blondes have
see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are
going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Q: How did the blonde try to
kill the bird?
A: She threw it off of a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her
leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die
drinking milk?
A: The cow stepped on her.
Q: Why do men like blonde
jokes?
A: It is one thing they can
understand.
Q: Why do blondes like
lightning?
A: They think someone is taking
their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little
holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: What do you call a fly
buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in
a tree with a briefcase?
A: Branch manager.
Q: What do you call a smart
blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why did the blonde tiptoe
past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the
sleeping pills.
Q: Why were blondes created?
A: Because sheep can't bring
beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did the blonde take her
typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant
because it missed a period.
Q: What do you see when you
look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: Why do blondes have more
fun?
A: They are easier to keep
amused.
Q: What do you call a brunette
with a blonde on both sides?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes
in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire
tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the
street when the sign said "Don't Walk'.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a
coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys
in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde get so
excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: because the box said from
2-4 years.
Q: Why did the blonde call the
Welfare Office?
A: She wanted to know how to
cook food stamps.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet
their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What do you call four
blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far - from - Thinkin.
Q: What did the blonde say when
she looked into a box of Cheerio’s?
A: “Oh look, donut seeds.”
Q: What did the blonde name her
pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so
short?
A: So blondes can remember
them.
Q: Why can't blondes put in
light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with
the hammer.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a
blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to
re-inflate it.
Q: Did you hear about the
blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: What is it called when a
blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What is gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: How can you tell a smart
blonde from a dumb blonde?
A: The smart blondes have dark
roots.
Q: Why don't blondes eat
pickles?
A: Because they get their heads
stuck in the jar.
Q: What do you call a zit on a
blonde's butt?
A: Brain tumor.
Q: Why don't blondes make Kool-aid?
A: Can't fit 8 cups of water in
the little packages.
Q: How many blondes does it
take to change a tire?
A: 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry
and l to call Daddy.
Q: How do you give a blonde a
brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What does a blonde say when
you blow in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill.
Q: What's the advantage of
being married to a blonde?
A: You can park in handicapped
zones.
Q: How many blondes does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: 6 - 2 to read the
instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
Q: Did you hear about the
blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
A: It finally dawned on her.
Brunette to the blonde? “Awww,
look at the dead birdie? “
The blonde stopped, looks up
and says, "where"?
Q: What is the blonde doing
when she hold her hands over her ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a
thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at
the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said
"concentrate".
Q: Why did the blonde snort
Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet
"Coke".
Q: Why did the blonde put her
finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a
headache.
Q: Why did the blonde have
blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out
lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up
to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks
were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have
elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven
days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain
them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde know if
she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to
see if there is anything in it.
Q: What do you get when you
offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What is written at the
bottom of a blonde's fishing pond?
A: Bring your own fish.
Q: What does a blonde do when
someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
Q: What do you call a blonde
with one brain cell?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call a blonde
with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What is a blonde with
brunette dyed hair?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How do you sink a submarine
full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Q: What stops then goes, stops,
then goes?
A: A blonde at a blinking red
light.
Q: Why do blondes comb their
bangs straight up?
A: They don't want anything
going over their head.
Q: How did the blonde's brain
cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: How many blonde jokes are
there?
A: None, they're all true.
Q: Why don't blondes ever
become pharmacists?
A: It's too hard to fit the
bottle in the typewriter.
Q: Why did the blonde purchase
an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for
nights.
Q: Did you hear about the dead
blonde in the closet?
A: She was last year's
hide-and-seek winner.
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